There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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