Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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