awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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