I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
