where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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