i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He shit in the fireplace
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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