Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
drinking out of a sandbucket again
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
