During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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