I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
What a dumb baby whore.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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