I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Is it because I queefed?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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