"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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