I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
