I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
