Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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