I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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