on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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