the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
