Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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