Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
