so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
