Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
