May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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