12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
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