bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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