i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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