help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
