what day is it and did you see me today?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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