I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
