At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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