literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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