i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
