dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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