You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
