That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
