Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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