I think scott just propositioned me for sex
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
