According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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