i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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