Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
