i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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