you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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