Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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