Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
