I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
