Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
