Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
