I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
