I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
