Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I need to calm my uterus...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
