I faked an abortion last night.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
