So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
