I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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