How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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