dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
