I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize