My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
