On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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